http://shinyhat.com/index.php Copyright 2010, Kyle Torngren Kyle Torngren en-US SPHPBLOG 0.5.1
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100310-064902 http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100310-064902 Kyle Torngren Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:49:02 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=10&m=03&entry=entry100310-064902
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100219-212032
I'm struggling with several financial issues at the moment. The bullshit with my checking account and the bullshit with Haggen's, among other, more minor things. Hopefully, I will be able to fix all of these issues when I get my tax refund. It should be substantial, since I'm filing for both 2009 and 2008. I did some quick math and it seems I'll be getting almost two grand back, but we'll see if that turns out to be true.

I'm finally finishing a cold that has been troubling me for a week. At this point I pretty much feel fine, except that I'm still coughing up stuff.]]> http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100219-212032 Kyle Torngren Fri, 19 Feb 2010 21:20:32 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=10&m=02&entry=entry100219-212032
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100202-044559
I wear it on my right ring finger, because that's where it fits. Again, no symbolism intended.

I've moved my webserver back to my home desktop. Both my Enom hosting accounts are about to lapse, and my old server is dying a slow and mysterious death, so it's hibernating.

This domain is going to need renewal soon too, and I don't know where I'm gonna get the money for that. I'll figure something out.]]> http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100202-044559 Kyle Torngren Tue, 02 Feb 2010 04:45:59 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=10&m=02&entry=entry100202-044559
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100202-043700
It felt very good to simply expel everything to someone else, and know that someone else was trying to keep it all in their head like me. I don't think there is anyone else in my life that I feel I can completely open up to.

Later that day, I did LSD. This was essentially a step-two for me. I was able to allow all my stress and guilt and anxiety to melt away by the end of that night. I have felt much more relaxed since then, and I haven't touched my Valium either.

I can already feel the worry slowly coming back, but damn did it feel good to just forget everything after explaining it all to a stranger.]]> http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100202-043700 Kyle Torngren Tue, 02 Feb 2010 04:37:00 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=10&m=02&entry=entry100202-043700
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100128-131317
I am roughly two solid weeks behind in both the classes I am taking at the college. I figured taking only two classes would allow me to ease into the whole school-thing again, but I find that I am almost instantly overwhelmed by the amount of homework and knowledge I am expected to cope with. I can't work on shit at home, because my bedroom is completely centered on recreation and it's impossible to avoid doing something unrelated to school when I'm sitting in that chair, surrounded by computer screens and speakers, with literally a huge archive of entertainment methods at my fingertips.

I owe the Haggen corporation $654.19 for a stick of deodorant I didn't want to steal. I am going to owe my public defender another couple hundred. All this in the desperate hope that I will be able to avoid this stupid 3rd-degree theft charge on my record.

My bank account is overdrawn by some $400 or so, because I foolishly did a friend a favor and cashed some endorsed personal checks via the ATM. All I need to get this fixed is for this friend to come into to the bank with me and some photo ID, but he's out of town or something for at least several more days.

All of these issues have been suddenly thrust upon me in the last few weeks, by my own stupid mistakes, incompetence, more stupid mistakes, and foolish attempts at altruism.

I've been given a Valium prescription by my doctor, but there isn't enough Valium in the world to make me stop freaking out and feeling like my choices are rapidly dwindling to shooting myself or joining the army or something equally stupid.

I haven't felt any kind of love or companionship from a girl in almost a year, and the one person who might accept me romantically... well, I've been down that road, and I don't think it's ever going to end well with her.

After getting fired last year, I spent around two months struggling to buck the addiction my excess income had generated, and I still indulge occasionally, because no matter what I do, the sweet, sweet alkaloids are still the only thing that can make me feel like everything is going to turn out ok.

The fact that I can observe all these facts about myself is probably a credit to my character, but it also highlights my inability to determine any kind of solution to my problems.

I feel powerless, overwhelmed, desperate and desperately depressed. I maintain my long-held stance regarding suicide; it's a coward's way out. But fuck, who's to say I'm not a coward? I certainly won't vouch for my own bravery. This is why my gun keys are something I no longer carry with me regularly, and my rifles currently reside at my brother's house.

I need help. I cannot get myself out of my current situation or mental state without it. One does not need to slit ones wrists to emit a cry for help.]]> http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100128-131317 Kyle Torngren Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:13:17 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=10&m=01&entry=entry100128-131317
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100112-005321 http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry100112-005321 Kyle Torngren Tue, 12 Jan 2010 08:53:21 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=10&m=01&entry=entry100112-005321
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091105-000643 http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091105-000643 Kyle Torngren Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:06:43 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=09&m=11&entry=entry091105-000643
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091104-150327 http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091104-150327 Kyle Torngren Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:03:27 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=09&m=11&entry=entry091104-150327
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091103-180239
I've been cocktailing up various OTC meds to take the edge off. I should be able to pickup a pile of gabapentin later tonight, that will help.

No more footballs in sight in the near future; my source is still willing to trade for the barbs, but he's out of anything that will help me for at least a couple weeks.

Need more dxm and dph. I bought some doxylamine, not sure if that will help. I intend to test it out tonight a couple hours before bed, so that if I just get knocked out, it will be good timing.

The worst part about all of this? I'm getting some Actiqs later tonight. Just a small bit of one would make all this go away.. But that's just delaying it. That would make all that I have struggled through so far meaningless. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done: I must buy them, and NOT USE THEM, at least until tomorrow or thursday.

Discouraging information from a close friend: it would take a solid month for my brain chemistry to fully return to normal. Fortunately, that is not my goal. I just wanted the physical symptoms to stop, so I can return to my occasional indulgences. I know that just holding off until later this week won't even do that much, though. I just have to fight it as long as I can, and hopefully, eventually, it will be easier.

Time for more meds. Fuck. This is tough.

I paid off all my old fines at MTHS today. I was too late to put in a transcript request though. I will have to be back tomorrow to do so, then again the next day to pick it up. That's tough, cos I gotta work thursday.]]> http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091103-180239 Kyle Torngren Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:02:39 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=09&m=11&entry=entry091103-180239
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http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091102-183657
Despite my best efforts, I built up the thing I have been resisting. I have postponed solving that problem so far, but now I have no choice. The time has come to simply push through it. Last night I pretty much slept in a pool of my own sweat. I have a little left over Alprazolam to help, but I've been resisting using that all day too. I took half a milligram just now.

In about another day or two, I should be fine again.]]> http://shinyhat.com/index.php?entry=entry091102-183657 Kyle Torngren Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:36:57 GMT http://shinyhat.com/comments.php?y=09&m=11&entry=entry091102-183657