I dug out the silver ring Lindsey gave me back when we first started dating, and put it on earlier today. I have not yet taken it off, and I don't think I will. It's been long enough that all symbolic attachment to her has melted from my mind, and now it's just a tiny sterling band.

I wear it on my right ring finger, because that's where it fits. Again, no symbolism intended.

I've moved my webserver back to my home desktop. Both my Enom hosting accounts are about to lapse, and my old server is dying a slow and mysterious death, so it's hibernating.

This domain is going to need renewal soon too, and I don't know where I'm gonna get the money for that. I'll figure something out.

I had an hour-long session with one of the mental health counselors at EdCC last Friday. I told her basically everything I said in my last post, and it took almost the entire session.

It felt very good to simply expel everything to someone else, and know that someone else was trying to keep it all in their head like me. I don't think there is anyone else in my life that I feel I can completely open up to.

Later that day, I did LSD. This was essentially a step-two for me. I was able to allow all my stress and guilt and anxiety to melt away by the end of that night. I have felt much more relaxed since then, and I haven't touched my Valium either.

I can already feel the worry slowly coming back, but damn did it feel good to just forget everything after explaining it all to a stranger.

I have realized that I am currently in possession of some serious mental and emotional health issues. Anxiety, depression, inability to self-motivate, absolute skill in procrastination and rationalization. I am going to talk to a counselor at EdCC tomorrow morning, and hopefully my hour-long session will be enough time to tell enough of my life story that the counselor will be able to give me some kind of insight. This is only step one; I'm going to get myself some regular visits to an outside professional therapist or something.

I am roughly two solid weeks behind in both the classes I am taking at the college. I figured taking only two classes would allow me to ease into the whole school-thing again, but I find that I am almost instantly overwhelmed by the amount of homework and knowledge I am expected to cope with. I can't work on shit at home, because my bedroom is completely centered on recreation and it's impossible to avoid doing something unrelated to school when I'm sitting in that chair, surrounded by computer screens and speakers, with literally a huge archive of entertainment methods at my fingertips.

I owe the Haggen corporation $654.19 for a stick of deodorant I didn't want to steal. I am going to owe my public defender another couple hundred. All this in the desperate hope that I will be able to avoid this stupid 3rd-degree theft charge on my record.

My bank account is overdrawn by some $400 or so, because I foolishly did a friend a favor and cashed some endorsed personal checks via the ATM. All I need to get this fixed is for this friend to come into to the bank with me and some photo ID, but he's out of town or something for at least several more days.

All of these issues have been suddenly thrust upon me in the last few weeks, by my own stupid mistakes, incompetence, more stupid mistakes, and foolish attempts at altruism.

I've been given a Valium prescription by my doctor, but there isn't enough Valium in the world to make me stop freaking out and feeling like my choices are rapidly dwindling to shooting myself or joining the army or something equally stupid.

I haven't felt any kind of love or companionship from a girl in almost a year, and the one person who might accept me romantically... well, I've been down that road, and I don't think it's ever going to end well with her.

After getting fired last year, I spent around two months struggling to buck the addiction my excess income had generated, and I still indulge occasionally, because no matter what I do, the sweet, sweet alkaloids are still the only thing that can make me feel like everything is going to turn out ok.

The fact that I can observe all these facts about myself is probably a credit to my character, but it also highlights my inability to determine any kind of solution to my problems.

I feel powerless, overwhelmed, desperate and desperately depressed. I maintain my long-held stance regarding suicide; it's a coward's way out. But fuck, who's to say I'm not a coward? I certainly won't vouch for my own bravery. This is why my gun keys are something I no longer carry with me regularly, and my rifles currently reside at my brother's house.

I need help. I cannot get myself out of my current situation or mental state without it. One does not need to slit ones wrists to emit a cry for help.

I'm going to build a ghillie suit. Don't let me forget to get on that.

It has just occurred to me that, in order to get to bed earlier tonight, I need to actually get INTO the BED. Behold my revelation. G'night.